Jobs for "El Presidento"

OUR Constitution
Deputy of Staff to ex-Republican Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney. Governor Romney hopes to continue his service to the American people by:

• Amending the constitution to show that gays are, simply, not human. Candidate must dream of/have experience in exploitation of Constitutional issues.
• Fight science’s latest “rage,” stem cell research.  We’ll do all we have to in order to keep fetuses going into a trashcan at the fertility clinics instead of allowing them to be donated to science. Candidate should be a veteran of disposing of great possibilities.
• Fight abortion.  We’ll do all we can to keep babies alive in the womb and not be dumped into a trashcan.  All life is sacred.  Candidate should accept this as true or at least be really good at pretending.
• Support the death penalty.  Some people just aren’t meant to be alive. Candidate must be knowledgeable in the ways of State Executions.  Experience preferred.

 
The right candidate will be focused, blindly, on pushing OUR version of the Bible… I mean Constitution (!) on the country.  (Oops!)  Let’s let the world know what the Father… I mean Founding Fathers really meant with their words.  Of course, if a family member were to become paralyzed, pregnant out of wedlock, or bitten by the gay bug, we’d understand if you had to hide your personal actions from us.  It’s different when it hits you at home.  That’s personal.

Director of Environmental Policy and Animal Affairs in the People's Republic of China
Candidate must have plenty of experience crushing tiger bone to make “potency” powders, dumping trash and chemical waste in waterways, believe the Yellow River is not a name so much as an objective and, finally, understand that once pollution is put in the air, it’s not our problem.  Bottom line, we need someone who will fervently deny that humans have an impact on this planet.  Buddhists need not apply.

Lose Some $$ For Us
Company in Northern Jersey is looking for someone to run a portion of the family operation. Because of the, um, nature of our industry, we’d appreciate if this portion of the business could run “in the red.”  Candidates experience in bankrupting are preferred, with at least three oil companies, a baseball team and a country. The riskier you are for business the better, so if you have a history that includes misdemeanors, like DUI’s, or a penchant for sampling harder drugs, indicate in cover letter.  And remember, the bigger the hole you get the Company into, the bigger the tax incentive.  Politicians encouraged to apply.

Fox News Analyst
Candidate must be comfortable spewing out anything we hand in front of them, whether Talking Points or memos from the White House Press Secretary.  Candidate should be good (or decent) (or terrible, now that we think about it) on script and incapable of thinking on his/her feet (makes it easier for us to have a united Fox-wide front). Gig is easy, no more than a couple hours a week.  Added bonus: Direct access to the White House!  Think of the career growth opportunities!  Fox News is an equal opportunity employer.

Looking for Court Jester
“Middle Eastern” countries recently flush with cash want to hire the right American cultural attaché as our court jester.  Our royal families are looking for a man who is pure Americana and described by his friends as: pious, ignorant, self-centered, narrow-minded and confident in such a way that only history can put his life and work into full perspective.  Your job will include:

• Walking hand-in-hand with the king and princes in our lovely gardens and newly constructed city-sized shopping malls. 
• Making a fool of yourself while trying to explain basic concepts.  Bonus if you speak in riddles, like:
• “And so, General, I want to thank you for your service. And I appreciate the fact that you really snatched defeat out of the jaws of those who are trying to defeat us in Iraq.”
• “I'm oftentimes asked, ‘What difference does it make to America if people are dying of malaria in a place like Ghana?’ It means a lot. It means a lot morally, it means a lot from a -- it's in our national interest.”
• Regarding the Middle East peace initiative: “I can press when there needs to be pressed; I can hold hands when there needs to be -- hold hands.”

Missed Connections
Was that you, 6 foot, graying, fit man in suit followed by a security swarm?  An energy industry consortium thought we spied you in the White House for 7 years (so far) while our profits tripled.  We don’t know if we’ll run into you again, but you should know you’re a life-time, honorary member of all of our Board of Directors.  Checks will be coming your way.  No need to contacts us, we’ll find you.  

Longingly, Consortium President:
FRTNE 2 CMPY

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